xtreme rocketeer: called the handi-cap
xtreme rocketeer: called the handi-cap
<JohnDough> i testified against my stepmom (whom i hate) in a trial today
<Forlorn> what did she do?
<JohnDough> nothing
<JohnDough> but the jury sure as hell thinks she did
<Shovel> I'm sitting in the waiting room at my doctor's office, waiting for a physical before I go off to college in a few weeks.
<Shovel> I'm a little early and there are other people in the waiting room so when the nurse comes out to call the next person I'm pretty sure it's not me.
<Shovel> She walks out of the hallway, looks down at her clipboard and immediately turns around and goes back behind the door.
<Shovel> She's obviously talking to some of the other nurses.
<Shovel> When she comes back about 30 seconds later, she looks at the clipboard, takes a deep breath and says: "Shithead O'Neal, the doctor's able to see you now."
<Shovel> A large black woman stands up quickly and yells in a surprsingly stereotypical black women voice "IT'S PRONOUNCED SHAW-THEED!"
<Shovel> She storms off after the nurse, who is apologizing very loudly and everyone in the waiting room just looks at each other and exchange a few laughs and snickers.
<tubs> lol k
<karlmex> Anyway, upon arrival at the hotel, surprise suprise they find their friend standing in the lobby, dazed and staring at the ceiling muttering to himself. Understandably they were all pissed off with him for making them worry and bringing their trip down as a result of their half assed search. However all the friend can reply with is this fucking town is full of gremlins! They tried to calm him down and tell him that it was the acid making him hallucinate, to which he replied I knew youd say that so I captured one and locked it in the bathroom
<tubs> lol?
<karlmex> as youd expect they thought he was losing the plot, but he insisted they come to his room and look for themselves. So, they head to the room, and sure enough, the bathroom door is baracaded shut with chairs, lamps, mattress and the bed they're getting a little worried now, so they cautiously move the furniture away and inch the door open
<tubs> and??
<karlmex> ...Laying on the floor is a 10 year old kid with Down syndrome grinning ear to ear.
<tubs> lol dude that's fucked up
<karlmex> The mate had come across one of those outing groups or retarded kids - freaked out, balled up one of those poor little bastards carried him back to the room and locked him in the bathroom for proof
<tubs> lol god man
<karlmex> anyway, luckily the kid had one of those ID cards saying hi my name is Ted, I live at blah blah lol so yea, took the poor kid to the lobby, called the cops and did a runner before they arrived lol.
<imthatguy> So of course we have to buy the beer can vagina, because we're drunk and it's funny, and we figure we'll find some entertaining unintended use for it. So we paid for it and continued on our merry way back to the hotel. Once there we said our goodbyes and retired to our rooms, and I realized that somehow I'd gotten stuck carrying the bag from the sex store. I set it down on the desk and didn't think much about it. That is, for a few minutes, until I found myself sitting on the bed in my hotel room, drunk and lonely and sexually frustrated, and I kept staring over at that stupid beer can vagina.
<imthatguy> "Maybe I should just try it. Just see what it feels like..." I mean, why not, right? You know. Just for kicks, right? So you know what? I fucked it. Yeah. I fucked a plastic beer can. I fucked the shit out of that can. And you know what? It felt alright. It did the trick. That is, until it was all over. Until the moment after, when I was hit by a sobering freight train of humility, looking down at my dick stuck inside a latex vagina housed in a plastic beer can. Moments like that you start to question everything - "How the hell did it come to this? Who am I? What am I doing with my life?" I probably sat there for an hour, silently with my plastic lover, pondering my existence.
<imthatguy> The next morning, when the subject of the previous night came up and someone said, "oh, where's that funny beer can thing we got? Rob, you had it, right?" And everyone looks at me, and I just stare at them for a moment, and then say, "...I fucked it. I fucked it and I hated myself, and now it's gone." There was a slight pause, followed by uproarious laughter. The ridicule took months to subside.
<+slaitch> i need to be on my way
<+slaitch> you all will hear from me...... I dunno when
<+slaitch> not more than 10 days, though
* +slaitch goes to oregon
* +slaitch (~slaitch@c-75-65-59-82.hsd1.la.comcast.net) Quit (Quit: )
* @Esoteric immediately starts thinking 'slaitch has died of dysentery.'
<MftS> They somehow manage to give them the least threatening names ever.
<MftS> If I turned on the news and heard that Hurricane Erin was coming I'd think to myself, "Erin? I could take that slut."
<MftS> If I turned on the news and heard that Hurricane Dicksmasher was approaching, I'd grab all the money in the house, shove it in my pockets, and get the fuck out of there.
<ZellKFF> and my 6 years old kid asked me "religion? is that a legendary pokemon?"
<pritch> sauron couldve got the one ring on ebay for £4.99
<pritch> oh wait
<pritch> excludes delivery to mordor
<fragglet> one does not simply deliver to mordor
«Kefka» I'm 92% male
«Sretsnom» >__>
«Sretsnom» whats the 8%
«Kefka» That's after I've had a few
<ed> He says he's facing Mecca. My GPS says he's facing Detroit.
<ed> He's going to end up in Heaven with 77 Pintos and a Ford Maverick.
Slimtoad20: Yeah, that one doesn't stand a chance.
<balls> im getting ready to build a computer, and my dad comes into my room. he starts talking like hes giving me the talk about abstinence and shit. he says stuff like "son, we want you to be safe, you know that" and just when it seems like he's gonna give me a condom, he holds out his hand, and he gives me a fucking static wrist strap.
<balls> i never laughed so hard in my dad's face.
<@je_fro> it's actually one of the largest trolling experiments ever conducted
<@Squash> Well guys like it when they can go in deep.
<@Phil> Yeah, but not when they'll fall in and die.
<CuttingEdge> not doing too badly today
<LordCow> sweet, 300
<LordCow> now we can attack the persians
TheZedWord: apparently
lemonlimeskull: Someone let him watch one of his own films.
<balls> telemarketer calls today, offering me a piece of crap credit card. i said hold on, i'll get my mom
<balls> i wait about 20 seconds then play never gonna give you up.
<balls> they hung up after about a minute of screaming "hello? hello? hello?"
<balls> i rickroll'd a fucking telemarketer
<KingOfAll> Leave a fortnight early.
<tulam> 0_o
<tulam> how do you know it farted?
<kerushixx> it flew in a straight line
(idestroy) ok so
(idestroy) my friend got a handle of smirnoff vodka
(idestroy) we killed it together in like an hour
(idestroy) I went to bed
(idestroy) in boxers
(idestroy) apparently
(idestroy) I woke up and had to poo
(idestroy) instead of going to my bathroom
(idestroy) I went out into the hallway
(idestroy) into the stairwell
(idestroy) removed my boxers and placed them on the stairs
(idestroy) then took a massive liquidy shit at the top of the steps
(idestroy) walked THROUGH it
(idestroy) leaving poopy footprints
(idestroy) left my boxers there
(idestroy) went DOWN TO THE 2nd FLOOR
(idestroy) from the third
(idestroy) banged on random people's doors
(idestroy) people came out and saw me walking down the hall naked with shit on my ass
(idestroy) I made it to the stairs again
(idestroy) went back to my floor but down a few doors to my friends
(idestroy) there was like 15 people in their room
(idestroy) it was packed
(idestroy) I was naked
(idestroy) I went into their bathroom
(idestroy) and everyone was like what the fuck
(idestroy) went into the toilet stall, tried to clean my ass
(idestroy) FELL OVER AND SMEARED SHIT ON THEIR WALL
(idestroy) meanwhile someone went back to my room and got my clothes
(idestroy) and someone else found the poo
(idestroy) they brought my clothes over
(idestroy) I tried to put my shirt on my legs
(idestroy) and said THESE ARENT MY PANTS
(idestroy) so I got help with that
(idestroy) got walked back to my room
(idestroy) and went back to sleep
(idestroy) woke up the next day
(idestroy) thought it was a dream
(idestroy) called my friend paul
(idestroy) he told me all about it
(idestroy) :(
(ZS) note to self: never let idestroy have alcohol
(idestroy) there's a facebook group "who pooped on the stairs"
Shinryuu: "No, it's not a cartoon, It's Felix the Cat 5 Hurricane."