#841699 (347)
<timtim> the recession is worse then a divorce, i've lost 50% of my assets and still have my wife
#841903 (416)
<ZS-Hawk> When I turned 18, I got a gillette mach 3 in the mail from the air force I think. I opened it up in front of my parents, and my dad says "ooh, nice razor! I'm going to do to that one what you do with mine!" and before he could finish his sentence, I said "noo! Don't shave your balls with my razor!" and before he could think, he laughingly said "no, I mean beat it on the sink until the blades are all crooked!"
<ZS-Hawk>  About 10 minutes of my mom giggling and my dad realized what I said, but I was out the door. It never came up again.
#842161 (2163)
<Skail[IRON]> I get a girlfriend-free evening, tonight.
<Skail[IRON]> All evening.
<Skail[IRON]> :D
<Skail[IRON]> I'm thinking I'm going to sit on the couch in my underwear, drink beer, and watch porn.
<Driedsponge> You don't do that WITH your girlfriend?
<Skail[IRON]> No, she makes me drink wine.
#842604 (1135)
lml-mike: i love to speak just after people saying : "...or not"
lml-mike: it's compatible with EVERYTHING people says
Quinten: you arent gay
lml-mike: ...
lml-mike: almost everything
#842650 (392)
<Helen> Well my husband never yells at me
<Helen> Neither he swears nor say rude stuff to ppl
<Helen> And he almost never stays late by computer
<Helen> And he never cheats on me and never goes to that horrible drinking places like pubs and stuff
<Helen> Isn't he great?! ^_^
<DialSoft> Hmmmm..........
<DialSoft> Try poking him with a stick
<DialSoft> He seems pretty dead
#843808 (234)
< bluehat> the more I think about it, the more I realize I don't really need a perfect world to be happy
< bluehat> I'd easily settle for one where it is physically impossible for a bathroom to run out of toilet paper
< andrewjb> careful what you wish for
< andrewjb> you may get that, but have to reuse the same sheets of toilet paper
#843987 (1372)
sploich 1: You know what's funny?
sploich 1: From the late 1800's into even the 60's and I think 70's, women were fighting for their rights.
sploich 1: Now, we have women like Fergie.
sploich 1: It's like, they fight for almost 100 years to not be known as objects, then once they get that they dance in rap songs about male supremecy.
SALawncare: then there's ann coulter
sploich 1: He doesn't count.
#844354 (454)
<MrNonchalant> she dumped me in the worst way possible
<MrNonchalant> Facebook defriend and status change
<MrNonchalant> one day you're in love with a girl who loves you, you have a romantic dinner, and you have a really nice moment together
<MrNonchalant> two days later you type her name in Facebook search and it doesn't autocomplete
<MrNonchalant> it doesn't autocomplete!
#844663 (505)
< Laura> I used to have a preserved human penis in a jar.
< Laura> It was lost in a move.
< Laura> This made me sad until someone pointed out that that means that SOMEONE moved into a house and found a human penis in a jar.
< Laura> This makes me feel better.
#844939 (173)
<Nanako> The only uniforms they had were too big
<Nanako> So I have like a 3xl jacket
<Nanako> it goes almost down to my knees.
<Nanako> and the pants kept falling down my hips and I had to keep pulling them up.
* Nanako CLEARLY ISN'T FAT ENOUGH
<Tails> So you've got the gangsta UPS look going on
<Nanako> fo sho
<Nanako> all up in yo grill with mah package
#845468 (3832)
<piercings> A programmer started to cuss
<piercings> Because getting to sleep was a fuss
<piercings> As he lay there in bed
<piercings> Looping 'round in his head
<piercings> was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;
#846163 (939)
<SQB> It's coming in slow.
<SQB> What are you using on your end? Carrier pigeons? Smoke signals? Talking drums?
<XselloutX> The neighbours.
#846403 (191)
<Jam> brb, I think my parents are having sex
<Sentynel> ...why brb?
<Asperoth> he wants to go find out for sure?
#846544 (224)
<BillyM> If life were like IRC, my mom would be kicked for flooding and repeating text.
#846604 (236)
<andy> meaningful conversation always brighten one's day...
<Pkekyo|> no fucking wonder it's pitch black outside
#846669 (245)
* sAh got rearended on his way to work today
< soybean> how
< sAh> the girl's car skidded
< sAh> minor damage to my bumper
< sAh> i could care less
< soybean> but the most important question
< soybean> WAS SHE CUTE
< sAh> easiest phone number i ever got
#846696 (1522)
<maiden> the wife is going to acupuncture to help us get pregnant...$65 a week
<knightmare> I'd think if she needed little pricks to get pregnant you would've gotten the job done months ago
#846801 (1845)
<fugi> when mccain wins the election and invades iran, do we get to yell "Monopoly!" and put hotels across iraq, iran and afghanistan?
#846915 (3265)
<Guillotine>: The problem with being Democrat is that if you vote for Obama, you're sexist. And if you vote for Hilary, you're racist. Its easy being a Republican. No matter what you're retarded.
#847483 (-186)
Greenday2262: I'll bet Gandalf got SOOO high.
Greenday2262: That fool can blow smoke-ships ffs!
SunuvaChod: hahaha
Greenday2262: I mean if Gandalf wanted to blaze with you, you would blaze right?
SunuvaChod: if gandalf wanted to blaze with me
SunuvaChod: id already be so fucked in the head that blazing wouldnt fuckin matter
SunuvaChod: so yes i would
#847500 (246)
<+Clive> news.bbc.co.uk headlines: Police are searching bins in a bid to find fresh clues in their hunt for missing schoolgirl Shannon Matthews.
<+Clive> So... they're looking for a laden bin?
#847598 (1730)
Amul Muzz said:
Why do I get the feeling that this is really a mob, just waiting for someone to say something they do not agree with?
chrismjr said:
That's the best description for the internet I've ever heard
#847733 (4248)
l70uke: network connections says it cant find an IP address
dbbolton: open a web browser and type 192.168.1.1 in the address bar
dbbolton: what happens
l70uke: "please enter disk into drive a"
dbbolton: what the FUCK
#848292 (259)
<@lysol> is tubgirl a republican?
<jbroome> lysol: yeah, she believes in the trickle down theory
#848390 (2080)
(+ColdPie) my lesbian coworker's partner is having twins
(@uguu) is she hot
(+ColdPie) no, she's a real life lesbian
(@uguu) oh right