#644205 (2300)
<kasierlord55> hi guyz how r u all doin???
<Blarrrg> Dear kasiserlord55,
<Blarrrg> Please stop raping me.
<Blarrrg> Love,
<Blarrrg> The English Language.
#644228 (556)
<Omnica> Man, I love air new zealand... the flight attendant was saying the usual about emergency exits and shit when suddenly "and for those passengers who are sitting in first class, instead of life jackets, you will find parachutes under your seat thank you and enjoy your flight"
#644234 (637)
<Daniel> I am from Texas.
<Daniel> I do not consider myself an American.
<DragonAtma> That's okay
<DragonAtma> As we wish texas wasn't part of the US
#644266 (483)
<slot|processor> I thought today was the day I would meet a hot chick reading an oracle book in books-a-million.... but i was once again wrong.
<sdodson> It turned out to be a dude?
<slot|processor> Worse.
<sdodson> He was reading a MySQL book?
#644329 (4041)
Drahmen: I unbutton your blouse and start to massage your brest.
Higgs23: I moan and start to undo your pants.
Drahmen: Wait a minute...This is the wrong window.
Higgs23: I noticed.
Drahmen: WTF dude?
Higgs23: I felt like playing along.
#644678 (417)
SansMuse: is there a word for using words in a passage from a language other than the one you're writing in?
mr telnorp: Pretentiousness?
#644782 (596)
Pep Boy Manny02: I was a little disappointed yesterday.
Pep Boy Manny02: Got "Religion for Dummies" from the library.
Pep Boy Manny02: You know how the "...For Dummies" books usually have the bomb icon for, "Don't do this!"?
Pep Boy Manny02: This one didn't.
#644835 (1788)
<Blabber> i just started working out, to get me some muscle and feel confident
<Blabber> so after the first time, i come home and look at myself in the mirror
<Blabber> to see if there is already improvement
<Blabber> my mom steps in and says "you look good enough to play in a warmovie"
<Blabber> so she boosts my confidence and i say thx! like a sergeant you mean?
<Blabber> and i swear to god then she says: no like a concentration camp victim
<Blabber> she left the room laughing her ass off...
#644887 (594)
<dp> theres no games stores near me
<dp> and by near i mean walking distance
<dp> and by walking distance i mean within 30 metres
#644921 (393)
Schraitle: IP's are like old phone numbers because when you get a new one you're stuck with all the shit that the person who had it before you did.
Schraitle: for instance, the guy who had my IP before i did had a lot of fun spamming irc and getting himself blocked from every website that i like to go to
#644937 (558)
Cope: we have been so bored at work we made a sport
Cope: we call it condomball
Cope: theres a used condom thrown in the ally and if the ball touches it the game is over forever
#645008 (378)
mellotron: wow, this is just begging for police investigation
mellotron: alt.binaries.porn.children
Indolentron: dont worry!  it's porn *for* children!
Indolentron: the word of the day is "clitoris!" can you find the clitoris on this woman's vulva?
#645181 (763)
<davean> http://news.com.com/Judge+Worker+cant+be+fired+for+Web+surfing/2100-1030_3-6064520.html
<blorpy> can't look, i'm work
<blorpy> i'll check it out later
#645382 (101)
<Mnemonix> your code was so bad it crashed pastebin
#645506 (181)
<jHeriKurl> some kid once told me supermans only weakness was kyptonite
<jHeriKurl> then i lit his comic book on fire
<jHeriKurl> and said
<jHeriKurl> i guess bic lighters too
#645751 (659)
(+shadebug) so, I just spent half an hour getting a latino radio station to work on my computer
(+shadebug) you know, to keep abreast of the latino music scene
(+shadebug) finally get it working
(+shadebug) they're playing coldplay
#645842 (81)
<<Cerberus>> i swear, these nintendo fanboys remind me of girls. those girls who fall in love with the guy who takes their virginity, the girls that keep calling him 4 years later even tho he has changed his name to sadiq after he got raped in jail
#645874 (607)
(@Morkoth) i drove over a man changing his tire on the highway once
(@Morkoth) they never caught me
([P]Rhea) *The FBI monitors all channels on IRC*
(@Morkoth) fucker ruined my suspension
(@Morkoth) Did I say drove over? I meant got out and helped
(@Morkoth) yep helped him change the tire
(@Morkoth) after setting off regulation flares, and parking 3 meters from the bumpber and activating my four way signals
#645921 (881)
SeanM: Go ahead and try it - just back up the database first.
PaulN: I am pretty confident everything will just work.
SeanM: That is the tech equivalent of "hey guys watch this!"
#646042 (1529)
<tyrius> i have no job, no car, no gf
<tyrius> its 4am, sitting in my parents basement
<tyrius> my fingers are now permanent orange from the cheetos, and so is my wang (dont ask)
<tyrius> and dont you hate it when you step in a puddle of cum, then step in leftover dry ramen on the floor
<tyrius> if you let this shit dry, its impossible to get off. like instant liquid cement
<tyrius> ...
<tyrius> hello
<ef_slinky> You make me feel so good about my life right now. Thank you.
#646095 (464)
<Rockman_20xx> Life goal: Have three kids, name them CTRL, ALT, and DEL.  If they piss me off, hit em twice.
#646230 (777)
Veav: I would do weird things with my kids.
Veav: Their first language will be BASIC.
Veav: They'll be running around yelling "10 print daddy, 20 print daddy, 30 print can I have some candy, 40 input x?"
Chef Brian: So Veav, I take it they won't be functional members of any society?
Veav: And I'd be all "X = NO!"
#646246 (1000)
<Javin> God I hate people.
<Javin> I'm trying to program here, and some chick walks in and starts gabbing over my shoulder about nonsense.
<Javin> So I continue to work, and just ignore her.  Apparently, she took this to mean I was "frowning."
<Javin> Her: "You know, it takes 36 muscles to frown, and only 12 to smile."
<Javin> Me: "And none at all to ignore you with utter indifference."
<Javin> Apparently that wasn't as subtle as I thought it was.  She took the hint.
#646418 (732)
<Ashley`> thats the first example of sex with a birdhouse ive ever seen
<[Rabite]> second here
<[Rabite]> but definately the funnier of the two
#646624 (459)
t903576: When I got arrested my dad told me "Youre lucky there arent any "doctors" around here that will perform 72nd trimester abortions"!