<careyasd> that's why you smoke joints
<careyasd> that's why you smoke joints
I had been downloading music yesterday evening. Led Zeppelin, REO Speedwagon, Flock of Seagulls, things like that. Then I realized that it'd be a funny joke to play on people if I were to change "Keep on Rolling" to "Hot Lesbian Sex". I watched as within minutes this file got 50 downloads. I was astounded.
Then the Tom got an idea.
An awful idea.
The Tom got a wonderful awful idea.
What if, perhaps, I was to change some of these names to sick pornography titles? I wonder if I'd get any bites?
And this is where the fun begins.
The first title I put up was "Naked boys dancing and eating cake." I sat in anticipation, waiting for my first download. Success, the first download came. Then the second. Then the third. This baby was steamrolling down the information super highway like a trucker with a hardon that has 2 miles left to the next truck stop. Before I knew it, I was getting twenty downloads. Then thirty. Then fifty. Can you imagine that in the end, rather than getting dancing boys naked and indulging themselves with sweets and frolicking in a dewy meadow, one-hundred thirty two people got a disappointing video of Led Zeppelin performing "Dazed and Confused" in front of a live audience? At this point, I had no choice but to continue.
The second title I put up was "My Ex-Girlfriend mowing the lawn naked." I thought that this was too far out to get any downloads. Alas, I was wrong. It got a download. Then two. Then thirty. In the end, seventy-eight sweaty, drooling fudges wanted to see my ex girlfriend mow the lawn stark naked. She's not even that hot. Rather then get their lawn-mowing beauty, they got the song "Ozone baby."
For the third title, I decided to transform "White Wedding" into the more intriguing "Elephant cock horse." I wish I could say I was kidding when this thing was downloaded one hundred eighty seven times. I guess there is something about horses and elephants showing their cocks that bring out the best in people. I nearly died of laughter at this point. "How can nearly two hundred people want to see naked animals? They're ALWAYS naked!" For sanctity's sake, we're going to leave this as a mystery. I hope I turned some people on to Billy Idol, hopefully distracting them long enough to forget that masturbating to horse and elephant genitalia are not really something their mothers would be proud of.
I couldn't stop myself from doing another. "Grandma Bingo Sex." Short and sweet. I couldn't stop myself from amusing.........myself..... "Grandma Bingo Sex." Surely not a common scenario, and surely not a scenario that would arouse many a twisted psyche. Apparently I know nothing about the human psyche. One hundred twenty two. ONE HUNDRED TWENTY TWO PEOPLE would like to see grandma getting bent over the bingo table, game card in hand, getting donkey punched by a 90 year old addle brained porn star. I rubbed my eyes just to double check. My eyes had to be lying to my brain. My penis had shriveled to the size of a 2 day old Wendys chicken nugget.
They asked for Grandma.
They got Joan Jett.
At this point I had to start taking puffs of my albuteral inhaler to keep from suffocating myself with laughter. "Girl on girl toe insertion (LEGAL)" was my next proud creation. Everyone likes 38 Special, so everyone won't feel like such dumb-asses after downloading this footy piece of crap. Never underestimate the inertia traveling behind a toe inserting itself into a rectum, friends. It's like a fudging semi hurling down Interstate 40 in the noonday sun. One hundred twelve people wanted to jerk to this. God have mercy on us.
At this point, for some odd reason, the user name "Enraged Baboon" popped into my head. "Enraged Baboon fudging a nipple factory." No way in hell would this get many downloads. Who could possibly type in any or all of those keywords? I guess people like seeing sweaty red-ass baboons, nostrils flaring, banging their chests like Marky Mark in the movie "Fear", having sex WITH each other in a factory that produces baby-bottle nipples. Imagine what those children would look like. One hundred seventy two people typed those magic words into Limewire, and got a hot steaming pile of monkey love. Well, it was Pink Floyd, but a man can dream, cant he?
This could all seem very disturbing. My final experiment, however, made me dizzy as my precious sack retreated into my pelvis. ...THREE PEOPLE...three disgusting, drooling, perverted, fudged up people, wielding a box of Puffs Plus and a tube of Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion, bright eyed and bushy tailed, wanted to see "An emu taking a vicious dump." How does one take a VICIOUS dump and how does an EMU take one, for that matter?
Ladies and gentlemen: this is why I have lost every last ounce of faith in humanity.
If I may quote Method:
"You're going to make a lot of sick people very unhappy."
<Rjx> i gotta get my computer to the USA somehow
<Rjx> as cheap as possible
<GerbilWrk> wrap it up in a condom and swallow it
<Jimmothy> put it in a condom and swallow it
<Rjx> you two aren't allowed to talk anymore
Aria: The programmers explained it that with so many holes, at that altitude, windows sucks bad.
Vruba: Now /that's/ a BSOD.
Bodger: Talk about breathtaking incompetence.
<Linkin> yeah, its in development..
<DoomDemon> The good news is that I had some really great sex with my wife last night.
<DoomDemon> And she even screamed "Oh John!" during orgasm.
<PhylumDeviant> isnt ur name dave?
<DoomDemon> Yeah, that's the bad news...
<nepredi> there was a very exciting scene where it was matter of life or death
<nepredi> and some guy behind me screams "SAVE IT, IDIOT!"
<swtaarrs> that's a sweatshirt
<EventHorizon> yeah
<EventHorizon> i think sweatshirt extends sweater though
<EventHorizon> so its still an instance
<DroolingSheep> no it doesn't sweaters suck
<swtaarrs> you're an instance of stupid
<EventHorizon> ur an instance of ur mom
<ChixLoveUnix> I implemented your mom last night.
<EventHorizon> i extended ur mom so bad she threw an exception
<EventHorizon> or something
<swtaarrs> if your mom were a collection class, her insert method would be public
<@ecoli> i don't watch interracial porn anyway
<Wintermute> yes
<Wintermute> Local 100100101110101010010
<ct> home or work?
<popsQ> heh, does it matter?
<nerdBeer> poop's poop, man.
<banquo> Ok,..WHY were you reading a book over a poop filled toilet? And what!? "Poop spotters guide"? "Pooping for dummies"? "The illustrated guide to What the Hell did I Eat"? "Flushing and putting the seat down (A husbands compendium)"?
<banquo> If you have to stand and read it it has to be porn while your,.........Oh I see
<Kiell> the parents asked his girlfriend to choose a song that he liked.
<Kiell> and between them they picked out "Bombtrack" by Rage Against The Machine.
<Kiell> So, just before the coffin disappeared to be cremated, Zach de la Rocha is screaming "burn, burn, yes you're gonna burn".
<Kiell> Funniest. Funeral. Ever.
robuofw: and I have no idea where he is
cyateon: do you think he's alive
robuofw: I hope so
robuofw: rent is due tomorrow
xanxion: the hard part would be making a video to prove it works.
SteveDixon23: ...
SteveDixon23: this is true.
nurv3947: And this woman walks up to us, looks at my friend and asks "Are you pregnant?"
nurv3947: And she says "Yes, I got gang raped by twelve donuts."
nurv3947: Honestly, I almost died.
nurv3947: I just turned and walked away.
nurv3947: I couldn't even walk straight.
<seelet> wtf
<HaLLuCiN0> maybe they are to busy drinking beer, smoking weed, and fucking chicks
<seelet> :(
<Psy> Well of course you'd have to tape it
<Rhodz> I won't be taping it. What I want to do is get a director in to tape it. 3 cameras, lighting, the works.
<Psy> Awesome. I did photography last year, I could totally do that
<Rhodz> Er...do you really want to see my wang?
<Psy> Well, we could just blur it out...
<Rhodz> Sweet! Then it'll be just like Japanese porn!
<Rhodz> ...
<Rhodz> Except I won't be shitting on her.
<Ecob16> and i ignore her cause im chatting with a mate
<Ecob16> so shes like "manners dont cost anything"
<Ecob16> so i turn to her and say "yeah, but if they did I could afford them" :D
<Ecob16> you shud have seen her expression...
<wenko> so this one guy pipes up and says "Make it an address book, and It will calcuate the percentage of girls that slept with you"
<wenko> the prof looks up and says "I can't do that", meaning its not appropriate
<wenko> so the guy yells back "why not?"
<wenko> and the first thing that came to mind i said "You get an error when you divide by zero"
<Stifler> i said the meanest thing to my girlfriend last night >=-)
<Stifler> you know.. cause i've been spending soo much time with her, neglectin the gaming and all..
<Stifler> well i said "you know i spend soo much time with you, i wish you were deaf, so i could get like community service for hanging out with you, i'd have a bajillion hours!"
<Chrisco> oh.. no wonder your back online again.
<z3phyr> my mum is
<Ryz0r> is she cool?
<z3phyr> yeah she is she lets me pretty much do what i want when i want
<z3phyr> all my mates think she is cool which is worrying
<Ryz0r> you think you've got it bad
<Ryz0r> all my mates want to sleep with my mum
<z3phyr> well she is pretty fit
<Rey> Yeah, I'd hit it.
<Lord_Cocktax> me too!
<Ryz0r> AAGH!!
<spriggan> wtf, when's your chemistry exam?
<chiby> tomorrow
<spriggan> hahahahaha, oh man, you're screwed
<seaster> i said to him "it would suck if that 10% was your cock"
<DarkBlueTornado> i got multiple cuts down my arm...not sure where those came from either
<RawBeef> Maybe you've been sleep emoing