#925464 (2150)
<yajmele> Oh my god....I was fooling around with my boyfriend the other night....
<yajmele> Right when I grabbed his cock, we heard the "get item" sound from Legend of Zelda.
<yajmele> It's apparently his e-mail alert on his phone.
<yajmele> It took us 20 minutes to stop laughing.  The timing on that was impeccable.
#925489 (37)
<+fuji@2ch> Basically, he and his second wife, not my mother, got in a fight.  He kicked her out and started drinking massively.
<th0r> ah, fuck alcohol >.< one of the worst materials we ever created
<+fuji@2ch> He spent awhile sitting alone in the house with no food and few hundred scotch bottles.
<th0r> That's crazy... how's everything now?
<+fuji@2ch> He basically fried out his brain,and went crazy and started building a fort in the middle of a busy street.
<th0r> ... what? Seriously?
<+fuji@2ch> yeah, no kidding.
<th0r> That sounds more like something a paranoid schizophrenic would do...
<+fuji@2ch> Yeah, well maybe there's some other issues going on.
#925490 (532)
< Nooblender> on an unrelated note i had to wake up early after staying up late to have breakfast with my hot nieces, so i went to sleep at 8 pm but woke up at midnight, wtf
< that_guy> on a related note do you realize how creepy 'hot nieces' sounds?
#925493 (364)
<Party> asians are cool, it's the closest your ever gonna get to fucking an alien
#925495 (9)
<dux0r> giving head must be weird as fuck
<moot> lol
<dux0r> cause uve got like
<dux0r> a pee utensil
<dux0r> in ur mouth
<dux0r> like a chunky hotdog
<moot> xD
<dux0r> what a weird thought
<sudo> your penis is like a chunky hotdog?
#925505 (318)
<JPierre> Helping noobs on IRC who refuse to listen is an all-too-common waste of time.
<biznatch> It's like you have this talking horse
and the talking horse says "I'm thirsty"
then you lead the horse to some water
and it still won't drink.
<PVicky> Simple solution: slaughter it for the meat.
#925507 (717)
<windAd> haha, epic.
<Choonsen> What is?
<windAd> I set my password for my new keylogger program once it was up and running, got distracted by cooking ramen, came back and forgot the password
<Choonsen> Shit dude... you're retarded
<windAd> Noo, its all okay... I just went into the log files and found out what I typed while in the program. Two minutes later I now know that my password was 'ramenalmostdone'
#925509 (1105)
<Gper>Anyway, mates what's your New Year resolution?
<PowerBuddy> Gotta learn harder >.<
<RoznaM> Less porn, more chicks.
<Gper> Hej, Z, what's yours?
<Ziame> Thought about 1280x960
#925516 (93)
<Ardennes[Q]> fat people lag.
<guyman> lol
<Deviant> so your mom must have dced when she gave birth to you
<khagin> lmao
#925768 (1041)
<M3rlin-> what is the legal age to buy alcoholic in england ?
<p5Ds13a06> you can't buy alcoholics
<p5Ds13a06> but if you wink the right way, some of them will follow you home for free
#925789 (-8)
<@The_Happy_Chemical> Nigga I know you have, I could name some song that was created 10 minutes ago by a hobo bashing his face off a dumpster and you'd have heard it
#925793 (1780)
<Rei> who lived in a pineapple under the sea, SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
<Rei> who died in an oil spill because of bp, SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
#925835 (1443)
<pronto> i like my women how i like my filesystems ... FAT and 16
#925847 (742)
<livin> your cousin is a titerope walker, rite?
<luckyest> he committed suicide by jumping off during a performance two months ago.
<livin> maybe he was a bit *imbalanced*
<luckyest> you're a dick, you know that right?
#925919 (1037)
SpicyLemon: Jesus died for my sins.  I figure, it's best to not let him die in vain.  I sin as much as possible.
#926329 (4440)
<N00b>Can someone explain cell division?
<Nerd> o
<Nerd> 0
<Nerd> 8
<Nerd> oo
#926559 (924)
< Stalin> You could put out ads in magazines and online and such, guaraunteed 25-30 lbs weight loss overnight or your money back
< Stalin> and then send them instructions on how to amputate one of their legs
#926566 (506)
<tic`zZz> I was lovin that pussy while she was lovin this dick, I was shovin it in her while she was yellin dont quit
<MGS-_-> Then you realized you were dreamin that shit - in real life your a no-pussy gettin prick
#926627 (3273)
<Javelin> Oh.
<Javelin> My.
<Javelin> God.
<Javelin> We have a unit here.  It's about the size of a small speaker.
<Javelin> In big letters across the front of it, it says "DATA DESTROYER."
<Javelin> Some idiot comes into my office just now, and asks, "hey, what is this thing?"
<Javelin> I say sarcastically, "it's a DVD polisher..."
<Javelin> Next thing I hear:  *GRIND GRIND GRIND* "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!"
<Javelin> Now they're pissed at ME.
<Javelin> Because THEY couldn't read.
<Javelin> Besides, it's not like I gave them PERMISSION to use MY "DVD Polisher."
<Javelin> I hate people.
#926695 (1319)
Aquillar> hey, you guys ever play kmem russian roulette?
Agnostos> I don't believe I have. care to explain the details?
Aquillar> dd if=/dev/urandom of=/dev/kmem bs=1 count=1 seek=$RANDOM
Aquillar> keep executing until system crashes
Aquillar> person that crashes system has to buy beer
Agnostos> lol
Agnostos> I wonder if I can sneak that into a server startup script here.
#927499 (922)
<GOD|away> Crackheads will rule this country! We will rise up! And teach you all that we are the superior race...
<GOD|away> WHITE POWDER!
#927751 (1917)
<rdubyaj> dude this car I saw....
<rdubyaj> was really dusty
<rdubyaj> and someone had written on it "I wish my wife was this dirty"
<rdubyaj> and underneath that someone else had written "she is"
#928168 (270)
<Xnoia> I chose to believe that argument drove him to drinking.
<Xnoia> And I chose to claim that a victory.
<@RWolf> And you chose to speak in past tense.
<Xnoia> I do.
<@RWolf> did.
<Xnoia> Damn it!
#928475 (662)
Matoyak: We caught a catfish with some weird-ass face tentacles...
Matoyak: That's the best way I can describe these things.
Tru: lol
Tru: I thought weird-ass face tentacles was a defining characteristic of catfish...
Matoyak: It wasn't like whiskers...these things were half as long as the fish itself, and almost as thick.
Matoyak: Heh, these were above and beyond the call of duty for catfish face tentacles.
Matoyak: Weird-ass sunovabitch.
Tru: hehehe
Tru: mutant
Matoyak: Yeah. It was big enough to keep, but we tossed it back cause we weren't going to eat something that looked that fucked up.
Tru: if  you eat a mutant catfish, perhaps you get mutant catfish superpowers... I wonder what those would be?
Matoyak: ...
Matoyak: The ability to become a bottom-sucking scum eater?
Matoyak: Hrmmm
Matoyak: So you become a politician.
#928768 (907)
TRex-o: I want to settle an argument.  Am I an invasive species?
sjackso: invasive species reproduce