#818440 (2019)
<Runter> If I ever become ruler of the world
<Runter> I'm going to hold huge "Where's Waldo" contests
<Runter> Dress one guy up as waldo and put him in a crowd of like 1000 people
<Runter> and get people from helicopters to try to find him
<Runter> to win they have to shoot him
<Jay> Why would you have to shoot him?
<Runter> Because I've always wanted to fucking kill waldo. I mean seriously who doesn't fucking hate him?
<Jay> I don't
<Runter> Well then, do you like dress-up?
#818471 (514)
<BluECliQ> My uncle from South Carolina is visiting for the week.
<BluECliQ> I haven't seen this guy in 10 years and we have nothing in common, but I have to make small talk for another 5 hours until my mom gets home.
<champlor> what kinda stuff is he into?
<BluECliQ> He hunts, fishes, drinks and works for a cable company.
<champlor> your uncle is larry the cable guy?
<BluECliQ> If he says 'git er done', I'm leaving my house.
#819212 (406)
swansonmarpalum: I dunno
swansonmarpalum: I do not think I would hang around someone who could not get hard and fuck me
Sigma X: Wait
swansonmarpalum: I mean if I was a chick.
#819217 (847)
<Dark_Fox> Wheee.. Hooray for USB2.0's slow ass read/write bandwidth
<Dark_Fox> I get to watch my mod compile at the blazing speed of a snail
<Zail_Dark> snails are interesting
<Dark_Fox> I don't think they make for good eats, though
<Zail_Dark> what if it were a giant snail that was eating you?
<Dark_Fox> then i would be in soviet russia
#820128 (785)
<Blee> i went downtown for halloween and we saw a midget
<Blee> and this guy was like "THAT COSTUME IS AWESOME"
<Blee> oh it was horrible but everyone laughed
#820499 (1339)
<Archie> thanks to opera for the wii, i can now watch youtube on my tv
<Archie> we have gone full circle
#820509 (1444)
<+JimBastard> you wouldnt believe what just happened
<+JimBastard> i've been tracking my macbook all day on fedex, gets signed for by "One CHILETA" at 3pm...while im at work
<+JimBastard> turns it was misdelivered....TO THE MARCY PROJECTS IN BROOKLYN
<+JimBastard> A BRAND NEW LAPTOP
<+JimBastard> so what did jim bastard do?
<+JimBastard> I put on a button up shirt, black leather jacket, kakhis, and a dress shoes
<+JimBastard> went to the address
<+JimBastard> and pretended i was a detective
<+JimBastard> laptop is sitting on their desk
<+JimBastard> "Maam I'm here about a misdelievered package"
<+JimBastard> "We know its here"
<+JimBastard> "We just want it back, or else I'm going to have to come back with a warrant"
<+JimBastard> "and no one wants that"
<+JimBastard> never underestimate the power of a well dressed well spoken white man in the hood
<+JimBastard> the guy took one look at me as he was walking towards the door....turned around and came back with the package
#820585 (3262)
<ndruo> i'm usig my onscreen keyboard
<ndruo> i's very triksies
<ndruo> he ltters re vry mall
<NeroMan> Translation: The letters are very small.
<ndruo> this will enhance my FPS skills
<SuperJoe> What's the translation for that?
<NeroMan> Translation: This will enhance my sexual ability.
<ndruo> i hte you.
<ndruo> GOD
<NeroMan> Translation: I love you, GENERAL ZOD
<ndruo> iffclt is this
<ndruo> :(
<NeroMan> Translation: This is difficult to the point I am saddened
<SuperJoe> General Zod is pretty cool, I'll admit.
<ndruo> 8=======D translte this
<NeroMan> Translation: "My penis is small enough that I can make a life size depiction of it using IRC text."
#820787 (1303)
(Andrzej) I had a waking dream about a tsunami once
(Andrzej) except the tsunami was made out of clowns.
(Andrzej) and I was 5
(Andrzej) I didn't sleep that night
#822005 (1111)
<kumaro> i got home for a terrible day at work so i decided to take a quick shower.
<kumaro> so i got in, took my clothes off and turned the shower on
<kumaro> like usual, i danced around and made a mohawk with my hair
<kumaro> it was going great until i let out a big rip
<kumaro> man, it was horrible
<kumaro> im not even kidding
<kumaro> i coulndt take the smell so i was held my breath
<kumaro> after maybe 40 secs, i gasped for air not realizing the shower was still on
<kumaro> so i inhaled a lot of water right
<kumaro> i was coughing like crazy then BAM!
<kumaro> i slipped on the shampoo bottle and hit my head on the side of the bathtub and i was knocked out cold
<kumaro> to make a long story short, i woke up 40 mins later naked with my mom slapping me in the face telling me to wake up.
<dvo> wow, that sounds really kinky
<kumaro> talk about a horrible day
#822316 (2366)
<@J^raxis> Some people have some weird fetishes. Which is fine. Then they take photos of them, which is not.
#823025 (1991)
<tgr> i told my girlfriend that she's "math girl, doer of math: unable to integrate with society, only with functions of x"
<tgr> and guys, this is why she's my girlfriend. she said:
<tgr> "i could do a u substitution..."
#823214 (9229)
<Cyan> Some dude tried to break in last night at like 2am, but I was on the comp and it's like right beside the window so I heard the faggot.
<Cyan> Anyways, I grabbed the folding chair and as soon as he was like halfway through I beat the fucking shit out of him.
<Cyan> So he's laying here unconscious and I call the cops. Once they get here, they search him and look at what he fucking had:
<Cyan> 8 track tape (unlabeled), Flashlight (no batteries), Half eaten box of Fig Newtons, Measuring tape, Instructions to "Monopoly."
<dan> Dude, you fucking killed McGuyver!
#823861 (1455)
Inflames: Dude, my sister had sex with some guy 15 minutes before he was 18. Then she called me and told me.
Inflames: I was like, wtf? I don't wanna know that.
Sandman: wow
Sandman: She doing anything February 17th at 11:45pm?
#824107 (770)
<Gamer> Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down.
#824171 (1758)
drool: i did a bit of an audit one month and discovered i had spent $600 on alcohol so i gave it up
drool: the auditing, not the alcohol
#825820 (1348)
<vahnsin> A bear walks into a bar and says "I'd like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts." The barman says "Why the big pause?"
<NikEy> it took me literally 20 minutes to fucking understand this joke goddammit
#826140 (776)
<Zombait> By the way, why the hell does windows tell you to say "okay" to everything?
<Zombait> Clearly the responses used there were created by married men
#826239 (1515)
<Deltantor> Why is it so hard to find a man that wants a female that has a small son?
<f0rked_> I prefer a small daughter
<grnp> I prefer a smaller son
<ChrisHansen> I prefer that you both have a seat over there.
#826270 (-230)
TbG: heh
TbG: I hate that
TbG: I put all of my pr0n in a passworded .rar
TbG: and forgot the password.
#826340 (1250)
<apples> the program 'apt-get' is currently not installed. You can install it by typing: apt-get install apt
<fuchoo> lol
#826358 (2304)
<Hef> correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't holy water just water that has a prayer said over it?
<Tribolthree> holy water is water blessed by a priest, nothing special or added -_- technically he could bless the water coming from a pipe
<Tribolthree> so like you could have a fountain of holy water
<Hef> the priest would probably get tired of the constant blessing
<Hef> and run out of mana
#826387 (3082)
<Tscully> It's Christmas. We show up at my grandmas house. I'm 14.
<Tscully> It comes time to open the presents, she brings out this little square-shaped flat present, wrapped in christmas paper.
<Tscully> I wonder what it is, what joyous gift from grandma could be so small in volume?
<Tscully> I open it, and see the words "AOL Internet Trial CD" on the cover of a cardboard disc holder, with a 14-day AOL trial CD inside.
<Tscully> Confused, I asked her what it was.
<Tscully> She proudly proclaimed "I've bought you fourteen days of free internet!"
<Tscully> And that's why I hate christmas.
#826428 (2359)
Blood Reaper:  on a scale of 1 to 10
Blood Reaper:  how old do you think michael jackson's boyfriend is?
#826453 (2079)
<cannibal> Im playing tetris, and why won't the square pieces spin like the others?
<therion> ...